Monday, April 30, 2007

Tears on my Pillow

I really hate to cry in public. However, I cry easily, therefore when I go to a funeral, I usually cry in public. I hate that I cry so easily, so I try to do it silently. Try not to make a big deal of it, but eventually, your nose starts to run and you have to wipe the snot away, and anyone sitting behind you knows what you are up to. My mil funeral was very beautiful. My husband and his brother really took a long time getting the songs just right and the pastor that preached really did a beautiful job. It was a beautiful day. I remember the day my grandmother was buried, when we were out at the cemetary an older man I didn't know told another older man "She picked a beautiful day to die". My daughter and I looked at each other and had to give each other a quick hug to hide our laughing faces in each others shoulders. Because, who picks their day to die? Unless, you know, you are choosing to die.

I was at a conference this weekend. For trainers. I got to meet some of the people who are in my online class with me. I felt like I should warn them that I am not as funny in person as I am online. (I know I have not been funny on this blog, but that is different). I don't usually get to go to sessions at conferences because I am selling, so this was a nice change of pace. But my brain got full. And my rear got sore from sitting. They showed a slide show as a memorial to someone that had been active as a trainer who had recently died, and it was hard to watch because it made me think of our family losing my mil. So much sorrow and loss in this world.

On Sunday morning, my husband and I were talking about details and I said something that I wish had stayed in my head. I made him feel bad so I felt bummed all day. Did you know that I am so talented that I can stand and do dishes and cry at the same time and no one even knows? I think we both cried before we went to sleep.

This grieving is a funny business. I know people are just trying to be nice, but the question "How are you doing?" can get so very old. Most of the time, people are just trying to be polite. They would not be happy if you told them you cried yourself to sleep, or that you couldn't sleep, or that you wished you could fall asleep and not wake up. It just isn't done, so when people ask how we are doing, I usually say "Up and Down". That satisfies most people. Yesterday, someone came and asked me how I was doing, but for some reason, it felt like he really meant it.

I tried to explain to Ron that sometimes I feel like the guy on Men in Black who is the cock roach in the guys body and how he walks and make facial expressions. This cock roach guy is so totally not comfortable in his skin and I can so relate. Ron said "You feel like a bug?". Or that I feel like the Red Head on Desperate Housewives because she thinks she can make everything look good to everyone else, but she really can't hold things together at all.