Tears on my Pillow

I really hate to cry in public. However, I cry easily, therefore when I go to a funeral, I usually cry in public. I hate that I cry so easily, so I try to do it silently. Try not to make a big deal of it, but eventually, your nose starts to run and you have to wipe the snot away, and anyone sitting behind you knows what you are up to. My mil funeral was very beautiful. My husband and his brother really took a long time getting the songs just right and the pastor that preached really did a beautiful job. It was a beautiful day. I remember the day my grandmother was buried, when we were out at the cemetary an older man I didn't know told another older man "She picked a beautiful day to die". My daughter and I looked at each other and had to give each other a quick hug to hide our laughing faces in each others shoulders. Because, who picks their day to die? Unless, you know, you are choosing to die.

I was at a conference this weekend. For trainers. I got to meet some of the people who are in my online class with me. I felt like I should warn them that I am not as funny in person as I am online. (I know I have not been funny on this blog, but that is different). I don't usually get to go to sessions at conferences because I am selling, so this was a nice change of pace. But my brain got full. And my rear got sore from sitting. They showed a slide show as a memorial to someone that had been active as a trainer who had recently died, and it was hard to watch because it made me think of our family losing my mil. So much sorrow and loss in this world.

On Sunday morning, my husband and I were talking about details and I said something that I wish had stayed in my head. I made him feel bad so I felt bummed all day. Did you know that I am so talented that I can stand and do dishes and cry at the same time and no one even knows? I think we both cried before we went to sleep.

This grieving is a funny business. I know people are just trying to be nice, but the question "How are you doing?" can get so very old. Most of the time, people are just trying to be polite. They would not be happy if you told them you cried yourself to sleep, or that you couldn't sleep, or that you wished you could fall asleep and not wake up. It just isn't done, so when people ask how we are doing, I usually say "Up and Down". That satisfies most people. Yesterday, someone came and asked me how I was doing, but for some reason, it felt like he really meant it.

I tried to explain to Ron that sometimes I feel like the guy on Men in Black who is the cock roach in the guys body and how he walks and make facial expressions. This cock roach guy is so totally not comfortable in his skin and I can so relate. Ron said "You feel like a bug?". Or that I feel like the Red Head on Desperate Housewives because she thinks she can make everything look good to everyone else, but she really can't hold things together at all.

Procrastination.... You're making me wait.

I am having a hard time getting going this morning. I have been checking my email, my girlfriend message board, my 2 classes message boards, my email, my favorites blogs, my email. I have a ton to do today, but can't seem to get going. It was basically a quiet weekend getting ready for the funeral on Wednesday. We got to go to church as a family for the first time in over a month. I really liked that, and really liked the message. It was on the passage in Exodus where the people are complaining because they are hungry and God gives them the manna. The bottom line of the message is "Do you trust God?". What a timely message. Another part of the message was the need for obedience to God. I have been stressing about the new catalog. There was a cost over run of over $2000 that I did not know about until the day I picked up the catalogs. So I have to say "Yes, I trust God, that He is going to make this business profitable." I have to say "Yes, I trust God, in His timing of MIL illness and passing". I have to trust that this is His answer to our prayers for her. So I am thinking right now about the children's song "Trust and Obey". They do go together.

Softly into that dark night.

My mother-in-law passed away quietly on Thursday morning around 11 am. The nurse had checked her at 10:30 and all was stable and when she checked at 11, Helen was gone. I have always wondered about the poem that says something about "Do not go quietly into that dark night". I'm sure I have it wrong, but that is what sticks in my mind. And yet, isn't it best not to be struggling? We have a joke in my family that goes like this "I want to die in my sleep, like my grandfather, not kicking and screaming.....like the passengers in his car". I know that my mil is in heaven. She is saved, safe, at peace. This is a sad time for our family. She was an awsome grandma. She did so many wonderful things with and for the kids. She really really loved them. They are going to miss her so much. She was also such a great mom. 3 wonderful boys. Only 2 living now. We are such a small family. So much sorrow and death to deal with. I am taking 2 online classes and I am barely holding my head above water getting it all done. I am exhausted. It will all work out I know.

Hello Hardship, My Old Friend

I have been in such a fog lately because of my mother-in-laws illness. I think we must be only at the 2 month mark at this point, but it has been so intense. She has been down in Fargo for at least 5-6 weeks and the 2 weeks before at home she was really starting to need a lot of care at home. Life does go on, there is no stopping the merry-go-round. I had signed up for 2 online classes before all of this. The first will train me how to provide an online class. It is 6 weeks long and the pace is very fast The second is only 2 weeks long and just started last week. We are entering week 5 of my first class so in a few short weeks we will be all done.

I often am presenting workshops, or out selling for the business and I end up feeling like I have to look a certain way (smiling, friendly, cheerful, happy) when I may not be feeling that way. So I end up feeling plastic. Also, in my husbands family, you really don't share very much with other people and so I am constantly trying to figure out what I can and can't share. I have gotten burned a few times after sharing private information with a neighbor or sister, or friend and then it comes around and bites me. I end up being vague about what I am struggling with because I don't want EVERYONE in the world knowing what is going on, but then I feel closed off, a plastic doll whose emotions are stuck inside.

The boys have been fighting more than usual lately. My 13 year old has been very close to his Grandma. He has gone to Fargo to see her every single weekend. This is not a joy ride. 2 hour drive down there, then either sit in a little tiny ICU room with at the most 1 chair, or go over to the hotel room with it's little beds and so small floor area. My husband and he are often down there together and they would take turns using the chair. One standing while the other sat. Benjamin would hold my mil's hand for hours. I know the one weekend I was down there, I held her hand a lot and she would dig into the back of my hand with her strong, hard nails. I thought perhaps she was mad at me, but then found out that she was also doing this to her sons and Benjamin. When they were not able to be in the room, they would have to wait in the family waiting room, which was often full. They would end up standing in the hallway outside the ICU, leaning against the wall, waiting to go in to see her. I am proud of how he has been so faithful to her.

It is interesting to see how a crisis is seen by others. How many people have called to offer help, but not anything specific. I am so exhausted, I wish that if people were going to bring food, they would have done so when we were trying to care for her at home. Or when we had been gone all weekend down to Fargo, and still had to get a whole weekends worth of work done in 2 hours. We are bringing her back to Fosston today. She will be in the nursing home. This is such a great solution. To have her close where we can all go and be with her. For an hour, or 15 minutes if the kids act up. We can drive seperatly so I can take the kids home when they have had enough. I would think perhaps her friends would go to say goodbye to her.

I found an article in the World magazine recently titled "Hello Hardship, My old Friend". It talks about how in James it says "Consider it all joy when you encounter various trials". Hmm.. I think I am going to have to work on the joy part. I need to re-think what joy is. Does it mean that I am just supposed to focus on the parts that are positive? I can see that this is maturing my son. For him to go down there each weekend and be so faithful in the face of a very hard time. I so admire my husband too. He is so steady. No pity parties for himself or the difficulties we are going through. He just keeps working hard, being faithful, taking care of his mom and so many details. Working with his brother for the best result. I think I almost most admire my brother-in-law. He has been taking care of my mil for weeks. Selflessly. Tirelessly. Seeking God through all of this.

Up/Down and Up/Down

I am doing the up/down up down thing with my weight. Right now, I am up again. Grrr. I haven't posted in so long, that maybe I can just feel that I am posting for myself. So be it. My mil was diagnosed with Lymphoma about 6 weeks ago. She is now in ICU in Fargo and is not expected to live. This has been an incredibly hard several months. Such a roller coaster. One day we think that there is hope, the next we think no hope.

My neice and I were in Rochester, MN for the MACHE conference. It went fine. So many different kinds of people at that conference. It is always interesting.

My new catalog should be all ready at the printer for me to pick up. I hope it really generates a lot of sales for me.