Why I would Pull Out all My Hair, If I Could Just Get One Hand Free

I picked up my husbands Uncle David yesterday from the hospital. He was actually scheduled for release on Thursday, but when the social worker from the hospital called on Tuesday, I asked if there was any reason that I couldn't pick him up on Wednesday afternoon. (I have a bible study at the church in Bemidji on Wednesday morning and then the kids have church on Wednesday night, so if I had to go on Thursday, it would be 3 trips to Bemidji in 2 days... whew). She had to check but was fine with me picking David up on Wednesday. I picked him up at about 1 pm so he would have just finished lunch. Several of the gals at the hospital made nice comments about David. One of them is actually a former Childcare provider and a past customer of mine. She said "David is such a nice guy". I did ask them to measure inseam and waist for picking out pants for him, as they had not done so yet. It apears that his waist is 42 and inseam is 30. (I think 42 is a bit big, but I did see her measure, so I guess so). After we got in the car, I asked David if he would like me to take him Christmas shopping and he was quite agreeable to that and we decided together to go to Wal-mart. I dropped him off at the door while I parked as I didn't know if the parking lot would be slippery and he was waiting for me when I got in there. Together we picked out toys for the kids, an inexpensive coffee maker for Ron (and me), and gift cards for Serenity and Mitch. When I asked him if he had anything in mind for the kids he said with a little laugh "No, I will just go by what you say". He wanted gloves or choppers/mittens for himself so we found him some fantastically warm leather and lined choppers. As we were leaving wal-mart 2 of the greeters told David they had missed him last week and were so glad to see him this week. David seemed to really get a smile out of that. I asked if I should go get the car, but he seemed very happy to walk out to the car and get some exercise. It was a beautiful day here with the sun shining and melting the snow.

On the way home David seemed like his normal self. He will quite often say something out of the blue that he has likely been thinking about for a while but that does not come with any of the normal conversational clues. However, because I have known David for close to 17 years now, I pretty much always knew what he was talking about, or could ask questions to clarify. I then asked David if we could stop by his bank and add Ron to the account so when Mitch is out of town or not available then Ron can take care of paying rent, etc. Ron will also be able to access that account online and keep tabs on the amount of money in there. Ron and Mitch had taken David shopping before they brought him to the hospital and helped him buy a new shaver. Even with the $80 shaver, he still had cash that the guys had to take for him as he was not supposed to have money in the hospital. When I picked David up, the staff told me there was a manilla envelope with money in there. (There was almost $80 in there. Who knows where that was stashed).

When we got to the assissted living apartment I dropped David off and parked and brought in his suitcase. As we got to his door David said "I don't know where those keys have gotten to". Fortunatly I remembered the manilla envelope and found the keys in there. I got David unpacked and all papers to the front desk. David had had a bar and coffee at the bank so he didn't have to go out to snack with the residents yet. The director said they would bring him supper in his apartment.

All in all, I felt that David is doing very well.

My husband Ron and brother-in-law Mitch are cooking Christmas eve dinner this year. I told Ron it was too much for me to do 2 big meals back to back like that (I have everyone here for Christmas day) and he said he would make the Christmas eve meal. He is going to keep everything exactly as Helen (my mother-in-law who passed away in April) did it for the last 55 years, down to the green jello and corn. (Except no lutefisk and Mitch is making Telopia instead). It has been a hard Christmas. Helen always did such great things for the kids, including wonderful stockings. I could not bear to use the stockings that she used to use, but I went out and bought Santa hats for everyone (Including Serenity's boyfriend Steven) and will fill those with candy, toys, etc. Then after Christmas, I will buy stockings at 1/2 off for next year. Life has a way of going on, but it is never really the same. We saw that after Terry (my brother-in-law) died 5 years ago. He used to come over at Christmas and make rosettes. We couldn't make them the first year for sure and I think actually not the second year either, but we did finally bring ourselves to make them. It was good to do that, but was not the same, and it is a tradition that has dropped by the wayside.

Then on Wednesday evening I brought the boys back to Bemidji for church and I went grocery shopping for Christmas groceries. I bought a $32 ham. I was going to make a turkey (that someone had given us), but Ron reminded me that I would have to make stuffing too and that just seemed like too much work. After shopping I went to Penneys and got a haircut. Very short. I am getting used to it. It was time to do something, I was starting to dread the days I washed my hair and had to get through the tangled mess. Also, I am going to be getting on my treadmill alot in the next 180 days and I get so sweaty and short hair is easy to wash and take care of in those situations. I am not sure what I think, but I know I will get used to it. It does look a little like she put a bowl on my head and proceeded to cut and with my currently quite rotund face it is not the best effect but it is new etc and like I said, I will get used to it. I went in to church to get Jonathan and before I found him, I went over to my 2 closest friends there. Neither of them mentioned my haircut, even though it is quite a dramatic change. Hmm.. Then Jonathan greeted me quite loudly in front of about 50 people "What did you do to your hair? It looks terrible, UGG..." I just laughed and went to get Benjamin from the teen area of the church. As we walked out to the car, 14 year old Benjamin said "I hate your haircut". Needless to say the ride home was less than companable. Jonathan sat in the back singing a little song "My mom is so ugly, ugly, ugly..."

Happy Mothers Day to Me

It was a fairly standard mothers day around here. Except it was Ron's first without his mother. The kids faught on the way down to church, we picked out a grill (I think this was supposed to be a mothers day gift, but no, it is for the family, at least in my mind), we ate at Subway, and then home for an afternoon of naps (me), putting the grill together (Ron and Benjamin), riding the horse (Mary Helen), making us all unhappy (Jonathan), and watching tv (me, Benjamin, Mary Helen). I do have to say, I have been down in the dumps the last few days. I know this time of year is really busy for Ron, and now that I am not traveling, I am home, but alone. Can you feel another pity party coming on? Arggg...

I have the laundry started and have been coloring rice to sell this morning. It is very easy to do. Here is the recipe:

2 cups white rice
1 tbls rubbing alcohol
liquid water color (as much as you want, but at least 1 tbs)

Stir in a bowl, lay flat on newspaper to dry (put on a formica counter top, NOT on nice wood, the alcohol will take the finish off of wood). It will be dry in less than an hour. Make several colors, mix and use for collaging, or making a fun rice box for kids to play with magnets in.

So I am in shorts ready to exercise this morning. I really need to exercise for both my mind and body. Hope you all had a nice mothers day.

Procrastination.... You're making me wait.

I am having a hard time getting going this morning. I have been checking my email, my girlfriend message board, my 2 classes message boards, my email, my favorites blogs, my email. I have a ton to do today, but can't seem to get going. It was basically a quiet weekend getting ready for the funeral on Wednesday. We got to go to church as a family for the first time in over a month. I really liked that, and really liked the message. It was on the passage in Exodus where the people are complaining because they are hungry and God gives them the manna. The bottom line of the message is "Do you trust God?". What a timely message. Another part of the message was the need for obedience to God. I have been stressing about the new catalog. There was a cost over run of over $2000 that I did not know about until the day I picked up the catalogs. So I have to say "Yes, I trust God, that He is going to make this business profitable." I have to say "Yes, I trust God, in His timing of MIL illness and passing". I have to trust that this is His answer to our prayers for her. So I am thinking right now about the children's song "Trust and Obey". They do go together.

Softly into that dark night.

My mother-in-law passed away quietly on Thursday morning around 11 am. The nurse had checked her at 10:30 and all was stable and when she checked at 11, Helen was gone. I have always wondered about the poem that says something about "Do not go quietly into that dark night". I'm sure I have it wrong, but that is what sticks in my mind. And yet, isn't it best not to be struggling? We have a joke in my family that goes like this "I want to die in my sleep, like my grandfather, not kicking and screaming.....like the passengers in his car". I know that my mil is in heaven. She is saved, safe, at peace. This is a sad time for our family. She was an awsome grandma. She did so many wonderful things with and for the kids. She really really loved them. They are going to miss her so much. She was also such a great mom. 3 wonderful boys. Only 2 living now. We are such a small family. So much sorrow and death to deal with. I am taking 2 online classes and I am barely holding my head above water getting it all done. I am exhausted. It will all work out I know.

Hello Hardship, My Old Friend

I have been in such a fog lately because of my mother-in-laws illness. I think we must be only at the 2 month mark at this point, but it has been so intense. She has been down in Fargo for at least 5-6 weeks and the 2 weeks before at home she was really starting to need a lot of care at home. Life does go on, there is no stopping the merry-go-round. I had signed up for 2 online classes before all of this. The first will train me how to provide an online class. It is 6 weeks long and the pace is very fast The second is only 2 weeks long and just started last week. We are entering week 5 of my first class so in a few short weeks we will be all done.

I often am presenting workshops, or out selling for the business and I end up feeling like I have to look a certain way (smiling, friendly, cheerful, happy) when I may not be feeling that way. So I end up feeling plastic. Also, in my husbands family, you really don't share very much with other people and so I am constantly trying to figure out what I can and can't share. I have gotten burned a few times after sharing private information with a neighbor or sister, or friend and then it comes around and bites me. I end up being vague about what I am struggling with because I don't want EVERYONE in the world knowing what is going on, but then I feel closed off, a plastic doll whose emotions are stuck inside.

The boys have been fighting more than usual lately. My 13 year old has been very close to his Grandma. He has gone to Fargo to see her every single weekend. This is not a joy ride. 2 hour drive down there, then either sit in a little tiny ICU room with at the most 1 chair, or go over to the hotel room with it's little beds and so small floor area. My husband and he are often down there together and they would take turns using the chair. One standing while the other sat. Benjamin would hold my mil's hand for hours. I know the one weekend I was down there, I held her hand a lot and she would dig into the back of my hand with her strong, hard nails. I thought perhaps she was mad at me, but then found out that she was also doing this to her sons and Benjamin. When they were not able to be in the room, they would have to wait in the family waiting room, which was often full. They would end up standing in the hallway outside the ICU, leaning against the wall, waiting to go in to see her. I am proud of how he has been so faithful to her.

It is interesting to see how a crisis is seen by others. How many people have called to offer help, but not anything specific. I am so exhausted, I wish that if people were going to bring food, they would have done so when we were trying to care for her at home. Or when we had been gone all weekend down to Fargo, and still had to get a whole weekends worth of work done in 2 hours. We are bringing her back to Fosston today. She will be in the nursing home. This is such a great solution. To have her close where we can all go and be with her. For an hour, or 15 minutes if the kids act up. We can drive seperatly so I can take the kids home when they have had enough. I would think perhaps her friends would go to say goodbye to her.

I found an article in the World magazine recently titled "Hello Hardship, My old Friend". It talks about how in James it says "Consider it all joy when you encounter various trials". Hmm.. I think I am going to have to work on the joy part. I need to re-think what joy is. Does it mean that I am just supposed to focus on the parts that are positive? I can see that this is maturing my son. For him to go down there each weekend and be so faithful in the face of a very hard time. I so admire my husband too. He is so steady. No pity parties for himself or the difficulties we are going through. He just keeps working hard, being faithful, taking care of his mom and so many details. Working with his brother for the best result. I think I almost most admire my brother-in-law. He has been taking care of my mil for weeks. Selflessly. Tirelessly. Seeking God through all of this.

Up/Down and Up/Down

I am doing the up/down up down thing with my weight. Right now, I am up again. Grrr. I haven't posted in so long, that maybe I can just feel that I am posting for myself. So be it. My mil was diagnosed with Lymphoma about 6 weeks ago. She is now in ICU in Fargo and is not expected to live. This has been an incredibly hard several months. Such a roller coaster. One day we think that there is hope, the next we think no hope.

My neice and I were in Rochester, MN for the MACHE conference. It went fine. So many different kinds of people at that conference. It is always interesting.

My new catalog should be all ready at the printer for me to pick up. I hope it really generates a lot of sales for me.